13 reasons

When the dirt blankets her it buries her deep.
As tears bleed out of dry eyes they water the new found flowers.
Know one knowing what happened to her.
Not knowing why she would do such a thing.
She had her reasons.
13 to be precise
But her reasons are just as good as my 13 reasons. But my reasons are the ones that tell me never to give up!! :)
1. My mom. She doesn't know it but i love her so much and couldn't leave her.
2. My dad. He is awesome and so funny he inspires me to do the best i can.
3. My brother, who is annoying but i would never in his adolescent years want for him to experience seeing me like that. i even hate it when he sees me cry, it makes me feel younger than him.
4. Ashley. She is such a pretty fun friend and has been a support center for me when ever and i feel i have kind of done the same. she is someone you want to be there for and with.
5. Sam. She is so happy go lucky and can always make you smile. She knows when and what to say when you need her to say it. It is great i have her there for me.
6. Galen. So outgoing and fun i can always know i will have a great time with her. It is hard not to and i love talking with her and i hope the same both ways.
7. Kim. She is my big sister. I want only to try to live up to her and to be the best i can be. I want to try to stay with my decisions and support her. She does so much of that for me.
8. Chelsey. aww cousin. Little sister i love you more than you know and i want to be there for you to ask questions to and have sister fun. I would feel like i was letting you down if i gave up.
9. Stephi. Little sister you are so amazing and i feel the same with you as Chelsey i just couldn't let you down. It kills me when you cry. I dint want you to ever be hurt.
1o. Someone who has hurt me and made me feel amazing all in 20 min. I can never give up on something or someone i cant go a day without thinking about.
11. Michelle (aunty) I love talking with you and feel so much love around you. I have to fill the big shoes you give me. You think so much of me i would never want to let you down.
12.Any one and everyone who walks in and out of my life. You all tell me a different story each inspiring me in different ways, but all equally amazing :)
13. Last but not least me. I have such high expectations for myself and i would not want to let any of you down but if i gave up on my self i would go against my thoughts and values. It would be weird and wrong.

Those are my 13 reasons not to die but to live and carry on. All of these reasons have made me laugh and cry, smile and be angry but i would not trade any of it. You have all made a difference in my life and you are all who i think about when i think about giving up. Even on something as little as a test or not wearing my seat belt. I think of you and you inspire me to be me :)

Figure Skating:)

Figure skating show this weekend!!!!!!!!!! Ah i am nervous but very excited. It is going to be a great show i hope you will all come and watch as us skaters take the ice and present our show called blades on Broadway:)

The slap that creates the pools blood and black

A natural high, making my heart beat faster, my tears grow so dense. Not knowing a single thing, not even myself. I am lost in a world full of inbetweens. These people not knowing either. Trying to find themselves. Trying to learn how to please not everyone around them but how to please their own desires and their own dreams. An overwhelming feeling of panic makes me cough and i revisit the tastes and the smells i had taken in around noon. The feeling of numb moves from my lips into my nose and through the rest of my face. A lack of oxygen causing my body to quiver and tingle. Not feeling like doing anything but staying in this place, my tree, and weeping. Knowing that when you look at me you see a perfect girl. One who is nice, pretty, outgoing, and smart. Knowing that when she looks at me she sees a good student, her body and bone, someone she loves. Knowing that when he looks at me he sees a pretty face, someone to mess with, and someone to protect. But the only one seeing past my smile, the one seeing the lines of dry tears that run up and down my face, the only one looking into my eyes to see my heart is you. My savior, my God. You are the only one i have right now so please don't slap me down deeper into the dark. Pull me into the light of your love and let me shine. For i wish nothing more than that right now. To not worry and be happy. Not being slapped by words or actions, which pull me into the black of my heart. I want to shine. But Lord, i can wait for today and the rest of the night i will send my prayers to those who need something the most. I can wait until you call upon me, i just hope i am not eaten alive by the darkness. Here to suffer in my own pools of blood and black.

I had a really long weekend but it was very fun!!! :) now for school tomrrow.. i swear the only thing that gets me through the week sometimes is the next weekend ha

6.8 Billion

Out of 6.8 billion she just wants 1 to dream of her

Out of 6.8 billion she just wnats 1 to embrace her

Out of 6.8 billion she just wants 1 to love her

She wishs she could hold you close and feel the slight breeze of your breath on her cheek, the one that lets her know you are alive. The one that tells her you are here and she is not alone. Something beauitful. But most nights she harldy sleeps becasue her life is quiet, only hearing the the huffs and puffs of her own breath growning louder and louder. She trys to escape to a dream land as she crys herself into a hushed silence. Her eyes eventually close. Not long after they close, they open. Only to see what she saw on the back of her eye lids, you not there. Not with her. Waking up to the harsh reality of alone. Letting the enhanced beat of her heart produce a river of tears, just to repeat the process over again. Not being able to talk, or just cry to someone. She is going to fall down and he, or she will not notice. Neither will you. You didnt notice her when her plane crashed after you let go of the stearing. You cant expect her to think you will notice her when she falls into a pit of dark silence. She will survive, but not with your help.. Because you arent the one out of the 6.8 billion for her. And she will be LOVED.

The Best Detour

"Life is funny sometimes, once you let go of the wheel you might end up right where you belong." -Brittany Murphy in the Little Black Book.

Foot on the gas pedal, wheel in hands, feeling as if you don't exist in time or space. Life providing such a rush, a natural high. An escape from the world. But what do we learn or even remember from these moments? We are going to fast to pick anything up and change it for the next time. We never catch the little moments that sometimes matter the most. So as you drive through life take your time and don't be afraid to take a detour. It may be the best decision of your life.

Someday i will fly with ease

As i am flying, spilling over the very edges, tears bleed out of me. I dive deep down with wings to heavy to bear the weight any longer. Why did i drag myself to the deepest and darkest parts of the oceans? Was it because i thought you cared? My eyes are now so heavy they fall down my face. So tired, so lifeless as i walk through the halls. Hating myself. Feeling alone. Woundering why i persisted, when in the back of my head i guess i always heard the voice of doubt. I just chose not to listen. I hurt myself the most. I should of second guessed myself. But i went and i took the jump head on. I have no regrets, no remorse for these decisions. Just a broken heart. A head full of things, true and untrue. A case of the good angel bad angel going on. Telling me what they think not what i just cant say. I have a case of the blues. So someday i will fly away with the one i choose. But right now i will dwell on this branch that broke so eaisly. I will sit on the edge and look down at the broken pieces and think until i can pull myself to leave. Until i find a new branch to build off of. A new part of my tree a new part of my life. Someday i will fly with ease so just dont you worry about me.